It seems like I've been spending more time over at myspace.com than I have here. Not saying that I'm leaving LJ...I read everyone's posts every day just about. But if you do have a myspace account and haven't already added me, you can find me at www.myspace.com/patchouliqueen. :D

Yay me!

Happy New Year everyone!!! May 2006 be better than 2005!

So it's been 3 weeks since I've last updated. SOOOO much has happened! I saw Cyndi in NYC, which was great as always. I've been enjoying just about every moment of my job, except the part of my feet hurting!

I also found out a week ago that my father has terminal cancer. Well, I guess smoking for 40+ years will do it to ya, but still... So I went down to CT for Thanksgiving and saw everyone. I hope to go down again for Christmas...and NOT any sooner, if you know what I mean!!! So I've just been very sad about the whole thing.

There's also someone new in my life. I can't remember the last time I've been this happy. It's funny because when I first met this person (online, of course), I didn't think we would click. Sure...you can talk online, but in person, things are usually different. Things *were* different in person...but for the better. I must admit that I'm very smitten...something that I had wanted to avoid after the other situation that I posted greatly about.

And I must say that I hate snow.

I'm getting ready to head off to NYC for a few days. I'll be seeing Cyndi again...yay!

As I wrote in my LJ last time, I saw Gwen Stefani on Halloween! It was so great! Not necessarily for me, but for my daughter. The concert itself was really good. But the best part was after when we waited by the buses and met Gwen Stefani.



Other than that, nothing exciting has been going on. I love my new job. That's about it.

but life sorta got in the way. I've decided to forget that other situation and just move on...it's what's best. But I do have some good news. I got a new job...which I love so far. It's my first step of 'freedom'. Granted, it's a small step, but at least it's something. Of course, it seems that I've been forgetting other areas of my life, but if that's what it takes, so be it...at least for now.

In just 5 days, I'll be headed to Boston with my daughter to see Gwen Stefani...can't wait. :) And then on Nov 7, I'll be headed to NYC for a few days...can't wait for that either.

So yeah, there are some bright spots in my life...some I discuss here (like my trips)...and some new ones that I'd rather not talk about just yet (don't want to jinx anything!)

Not only is my heart breaking, but I'm physically ill as well. I feel like all I ever do anymore on my LJ is complain. I'm just soooo sad. I'd really like to get away for the weekend, but I don't think that will be happening. Why can't things be easier? Why can't I be happy for just once without it turning sour after a little while? I guess I was meant to be miserable for the rest of my life.

Why does my heart feel like it's breaking??? :(((

...confusion is nothing new.

Why do I feel like a pawn in someone's sick and twisted game?

So first off...The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I liked it, but then again, I like movies like that...demons, etc. Rachel and Samantha liked it as well. :)

Just 10 days and I'll be headed to Boston for Mixfest...YAY! Can't wait to go.

I think I'll be moving out soon. Things are getting too stressed here and I'm not going to tolerate the verbal barrages anymore. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! But before I do that, I've got to find some type of "real" employment. Doing websites just isn't cutting it anymore. :(((

I'm down in CT for the weekend. Today I have plans to see The Exorcism of Emily Rose with Rachel & Samantha. I'll let you know how it is.

In 2 weeks, I'll be heading down to Boston for the Mixfest concert. I hope that it's decent.

Things in my personal life are improving, or at least they seem to be. Certain situations are working themselves out and other situations are back on track.

I went for a job interview on Friday. It was at Mount Snow. While it would have been a really nice resort to work at, I couldn't work every single weekend...especially when I have family commitments, etc. But hopefully I'll find something soon.

Of course, it's not really anyone's fault. Again, my plans were postponed, but for good reason, I believe. I just wish that something would go right for me! With everything going on in the world, I know that things could be alot worse and I should feel grateful for everything that I have. And I AM grateful and thankful for the roof over my head and having my family safe. I just feel so selfish for feeling the way that I do. It's just that I'm confused and my heart is hurting right now. I don't mean to come off as a selfish bitch who only thinks of herself, but I'm sure that it seems that way to a few people right now.

There is someone who I'm making very unhappy at the moment...and I feel bad about it. It wasn't supposed to be like this! But I've since dragged more people into the situation and I know that someone is going to get hurt. Chances are, it will be me. I hate feeling like this...sick to my stomach all the time, not knowing what's the right thing to do. All I want is to be happy...really, truly happy...not slap-on-a-smile fake happy, which is what I've been doing for at least 2 years.

It's almost 7pm on Sunday and I'm feeling so much better...both physically and mentally. Sure this weekend didn't go as planned, but that's how it goes, right? Hopefully, next weekend will be better. In fact, I know it will be. Now if I could just get a certain monkey off my back, I'd be very happy!

and here I am at almost 9am sitting at my computer. I wasn't supposed to be here today. I had plans to go somewhere else...but things happens and plans get changed. Yeah...that's what happened to me. :(

There is so much more that I want to say, but I can't right now. As some of you know, there are drastic changes going on in my life. Mostly for the better, I think. Ya know, there just comes a time when things aren't how they're supposed to be...and that's how it's been for me for a few years. And just now I have been willing to take the huge step to change that. I must say that it's very hard...not only on me, but others as well. But I've got to live my life for me...I just can't live in a lie anymore.

Things were sooooo good this weekend, considering some of my recent entries. I really can't get into specifics of the who, what, where, why, when and hows, but for a brief moment, I saw some happiness again.

Ok...I didn't write this one, but someone close to me did.

"SEA OF EMOTIONS"

Hidden under this smile is a sea of emotions.
Ones you'll never know, no one will ever know.
So many deep emotions, you would drown to know them all.
Stress and depressed at the top.
Hate and contempt towards life, but when you came I learned joy and excitement.
You taught me anticipation, love and patience.
You also taught me fear, jealousy,and sadness.
But I'm still here and no matter what you put my head or heart through, I will endure with you.
I miss you, I wish we could spend every minute together.
I always wonder what you are doing at this second as I lay down my head and think about you.
And once my eyes close, I dream about you.
You're never not the number one thing on my mind.
I wish to be in your arms when I'm sad and alone.
I wish you could be here to share the moments when I feel happy.
But every time I smile, its because I'm thinking about you.
The tears in my eyes while the smile on my face is because you can't be here.
I long for you, I hope for you, I wish for you, I miss you.